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I have no idea how to begin to heal after the loss of my baby boy, Ace. He was 35wks and should have been able to survive even that early. We had genetic testing on him after he passed, and we just found out he was "normal" (doctors words). The placenta was examined too and nothing was abnormal with it. I wanted to make sure it didn't separate too early, since Ace was oxygen deprived during delivery. I have discussed what happened with Ace's delivery, and the perinatologist basically stated that it was ok to allow me to labor almost 48 hours. Nothing seemed out of the normal as far as the way it progressed. Basically, the thinking is that he was probably in my birth canal too long. The oxygen deprivation would lead to the bleeding and swelling on his brain. Ace had seizures after birth, which I knew was not a good sign when I saw it. The report indicated that his kidneys were beginning to fail in the NICU. My poor baby's body was shutting down before we even made the decision to end his life support.

I cannot wrap my head around my perfectly healthy miracle baby just being gone. I didn't get the chance to hold him, because I was very sick after delivery. I was lucky to be able to see him the day after his birth. I regret so much that I never had him in my arms. I know Ace was no longer there in his body, but I ache now at never holding him. I go to his nursery and see all the little things I had ready for him and just cry. I find myself so often cradling his little urn because that is the only way I can hold him now.

I have such a mixture of anger at the hospital for failing to take care of us and utter sadness for the loss of Ace. I am so torn about taking legal action against the hospital. It feels like their complacency is dealing with some things cost my son his life and endangered me but I can't imagine reliving this over and over for years until it would be resolved. The doctor I saw this last week indicated that I developed pulmonary edema during the labor/delivery process. He stated that the congestion I was feeling before I started pushing was the beginning of this. I had also some enlargement shown on my heart. The heart issue seems to be related to the Turner's mosaic chromosomes.

My only good news is that I do have normal eggs and I can produce healthy children with my DH. I was given the go ahead by the doctor to try again after one cycle. I can't imagine being pregnant again right now while trying to grieve Ace. The doctor kind of encouraged us to try soon, just because of the age factor. Like he said, there are more chances of birth defects with 40 yr old eggs. I don't know how DH or I would feel if I do get pregnant and I am scared to death about giving birth again. I know I need counseling but I just don't know if anyone can help me. Please keep me in your continued prayers, because I feel like I am falling apart.